So now that you’ve got your Ol Glory in hand (they’re only 99 measely cents, go buy one!), what can it do for you? Below are listed a random assortment of facts, conjectures, blatant lies, and wishful thinking about Ol Glory. Hopefully, this will spur you on to the purchase of more of this abrosia (though, it does fund the National Guard…but hey, our rights need to be trampled by somebody, might as well get some sweet nectar of liberty while they’re at it).

1.   Ol Glory causes first time users to said the Pledge of Allegiance spontaneously.

2.   Pregnant women who have drank Ol Glory have given birth to: Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and Denis Kucinich (yes, there can be some side effects).

3.   John McCain actually died 16 years ago, but thanks to his daily supply of Ol Glory is still around and kicking.

4.   Pouring Ol Glory on an ant hill automatically turns them into army ants who defend your freedom by attacking those ants from the Middle East.

5.   Chuck Norris drank Ol Glory and turned into Jack Bauer.

6.    Ol Glory made a Chuck Norris joke funny, even after all these years.

7.    Ol Glory has been known to make people pee in glow-in-the-dark, red white and blue, and even gold.

8.    It is believed that many “terrorists” who have been mistakenly labled “suicide-bombers” have instead ingested Ol Glory and spontaneously combusted in the presence of such high amounts of freedom.

9.   NASA uses Ol Glory to power their rockets. Ol Glory put a man on the moon.

10.   Z-Day will happen for one of two reasons: Either there was too much Ol Glory or there wasn’t enough.

© Barry Belmont for UNR Students for Liberty, 2009.
Permalink | 6 comments

No, I’m not talking about a zombie apocalypse…I’m talking about somebody joking about one. Apparently in at least three states (it now appears to be four…possibly five) road signs that generally “warn” of delays, bad weather conditions, road closures, or other everyday-banalities have been hacked to tell drivers of raptor attacks, the end of the world, and even zombie apocalypses.

This “appropriation” of the signs by these as-of-yet uncaught pranksters for entertainment purposes helps to showcase that even in the down and dirty thick of life (what makes you feel the pressure of living more than waiting in traffic?) happiness can be found. Anyone who smiled, had a chuckle, or snapped a picture with their camera phone probably had a more fulfilling day than those few who became angry at them. The fact that some piece of government property was put to use to actually make its citizens happier is laudable (even if it took “criminals” to do it). Though it brings up the very real (and quasi-philosophic) question of whether a government should be allowed to make its citizenry laugh? …or must this forever remain the arena of our favorite (if faceless*) criminals?

Though if you were thinking about how to survive Z-Day this list by Max Brooks is invaluable:

1. Organize before they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
4. Blades don’t need reloading.
5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
9. No place is safe, only safer.
10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

*I hold that they are faceless for two factors. 1. The particular criminals who committed this particular crime are not caught yet. 2. More importantly, we are all those criminals. That fact that most of us laugh at these signs rather than recognizing them as the “crimes” they are, points to the fact that our government makes us all criminals. We all in a sense know this. How many of us go 5-10 mph over the speed limit? Anyone ever jay walk? Burn a CD? Laws don’t make people better, they just make them criminals.

© Barry Belmont for UNR Students for Liberty, 2009.
Permalink | No comment