If you thought watching 24, reading the Constitution, or youtubing Ron Paul constantly made you patriotic, then wait til you try a can of concentrated America known as: Ol’ Glory. Made of eagle beaks, apple pies, baseball, and freedom, this energy drink is the pinnacle of American ingenuity and triumph. Even in these “downed” times, it gets you up off the mat and into the driver’s seat with little to no regard for mixing metaphors.
So now that you’ve got your Ol Glory in hand (they’re only 99 measely cents, go buy one!), what can it do for you? Below are listed a random assortment of facts, conjectures, blatant lies, and wishful thinking about Ol Glory. Hopefully, this will spur you on to the purchase of more of this abrosia (though, it does fund the National Guard…but hey, our rights need to be trampled by somebody, might as well get some sweet nectar of liberty while they’re at it).
1. Ol Glory causes first time users to said the Pledge of Allegiance spontaneously.
2. Pregnant women who have drank Ol Glory have given birth to: Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and Denis Kucinich (yes, there can be some side effects).
3. John McCain actually died 16 years ago, but thanks to his daily supply of Ol Glory is still around and kicking.
4. Pouring Ol Glory on an ant hill automatically turns them into army ants who defend your freedom by attacking those ants from the Middle East.
5. Chuck Norris drank Ol Glory and turned into Jack Bauer.
6. Ol Glory made a Chuck Norris joke funny, even after all these years.
7. Ol Glory has been known to make people pee in glow-in-the-dark, red white and blue, and even gold.
8. It is believed that many “terrorists” who have been mistakenly labled “suicide-bombers” have instead ingested Ol Glory and spontaneously combusted in the presence of such high amounts of freedom.
9. NASA uses Ol Glory to power their rockets. Ol Glory put a man on the moon.
10. Z-Day will happen for one of two reasons: Either there was too much Ol Glory or there wasn’t enough.
